WHITER SMILE, SENSITIVE ASS
Page the dog I walked today. Noticed did I, the springy step had she. I also noticed how she resembled Yoda from Star Wars. I actually considered naming her Yoda but thought she was a little more feminine than he, a lot less philosophical and a lot more playful.
Finally her business was done, she was, and like a conscious concerned parent, pal and pack leader, I watched it come out. She hadn’t been feeling well this past week and I just wanted to make sure she was okay. Last week I was tempted to walk her with some toilet paper to wipe her after her messy movements, but waited till she got home to do that. Today, most of what came out, was beautifully shaped and beautifully colored. And just when it was all done exiting her squat… a little not so perfectly formed and colored came out. “Was that from the old sickness or is she getting sick again?” I wondered and worried.
That’s when my brain started hurting. I tried to apply logic and math to the equation. The parts that came out first were in there the longest? The parts that came out last are from new food digested or left over from her not feeling well? See, I can’t even figure it out now.
Poop coming out first was in there the longest, right? Ahhh… I can’t figure it out. The gift and curse of the creative mind. Anyway, I brought her home, wiped her butt and put her in the crate as I had to run a few errands.
So I go to BJ’s Warehouse to pick up a few necessary items. I had gotten one of those coupon books in the mail and I needed toothpaste and toilet paper. It seemed like a simple chore. Something that wouldn’t tax my brain, that still hurt from trying to figure out if the first poop exited, represents recent digestion or older digestion.
Anyway, toothpaste and toilet paper. It couldn’t be simpler. I walk in and pass all the food that I could eat but won’t. I pass all the DVDs that I could watch and buy but won’t. I pass all the outdoor furniture that I need but won’t get now. Past/passed the coffee makers, passed/past the plastic cups, the cases of feminine hygiene products and found the oral care aisle. I matched up the coupon to the toothpaste. I had to spend $12 to save $3 on more toothpaste than I would ever use. But which toothpaste to get?
Drawn to the Vivid White, I would feel confident that all those nasty coffee stains and Red Wine stains would vanish and I would once again look like the magazines say I should. But what about tartar control? What about fresh breath? What about the saccharin that’s in it, that causes cancer in rats? My brain started to have dog poop reruns. Ouch! Which toothpaste should I get?
And if I get the Vivid White, won’t that hurt my teeth? Maybe I should get the kind for sensitive teeth? Is that really for sensitive teeth or for sensitive people projecting their sensitivity and special needs into their toothpaste? What’s the difference between 3D White and Vivid White and Extra Whitening? And if I don’t get the complete brand I must be missing something? Ouch! My brain hurt. How would I have enough brain power to pick out toilet paper if all my energy is being used on tooth paste decision-making. Three times I put the Vivid White in my cart and three times I put it back. I did the same with all the others. Eventually I opted for vanity and value and got the most expensive one and left the aisle sweating and panting. I wished they had an aisle for Xanax for I would surely purchase that in bulk if I could… just so that I could endure the anxiety of making personal care product purchase decisions.
This shouldn’t be too tough I thought. I had the coupon and I was just gonna get what the coupon said. Normally, I don’t like getting any bleached white toilet paper because for some reason I think touching myself with all that bleached scented paper will give me cancer. So I usually get the unbleached unscented toilet paper for sensitive asses. I don’t really know if my ass can tell the difference or if I’m just projecting my sensitivity on my butt, but… that’s what I usually get.
So I’m about to get the Ultra Strong Charmin because, who likes wiping themselves with weak toilet paper and getting a surprise finger poking through, up the ass and covered with doo? So yeah… I’m thinking, Ultra Strong is the way to go. That’s when I noticed the Ultra Soft Brand. Ouch! My Brain! Of course I want Ultra Strong. I hate when my fingers poke through to the poo. But I don’t want to abuse my ass. Ultra Soft is very appealing. And if I can wipe with Ultra Soft and be Ultra Suave doing it… well hey, that has to trump Ultra Strong doesn’t it? Why the fuck can’t they make one that’s Ultra Strong and Ultra Soft? Shit! What am I going to do? Ouch! My brain! I thought about getting both and installing a second toilet paper holder and sandwiching the two together. Putting a few sheets that go against my bum with the Ultra Soft and back that shiz up with a few sheets of Ultra Strong on the side with my hand so my fingers won’t poke through. Yeah. That’s it. That’s what I’ll do… so I got both and sighed a big blow hard of relief.
As I left the aisle there was an elderly couple standing in front of the tissues. He had one type of Puffs in his hand and she had a completely different type in her hand. I went over to eaves drop on what they were saying.
He wanted to get the kind with the lotion because he has sensitive nostrils and the Puffs with the lotion feels better on his nose. She wanted the kind that didn’t have any lotion because she found that it’s stronger when she blows her nose. She hates when she blows her nose and it busts through the tissue and gets snot all over her fingers. I told them that I couldn’t help over-hearing and was curious as to which tissues they were going to end up getting. I shared with them my dilemma of the toilet paper to which they could relate wholeheartedly. They started arguing about whether to get the ones with the lotion or not and that’s when the guy put me over the edge. He said that the Puffs with the lotion are not only softer but you get more tissues in the box. That’s when she started yelling at him that there may be more tissues but they are thinner and that’s why they break through upon blowing.
They just stood there after the little spat over the tissues and tried to resolve the issue of the tissue. I was gonna ask their thoughts on the toothpaste but could tell their brain hurt too.